You know you're Jamaican when.....

You go to the bathroom to TIDY.
You can't get your "h's" in the right places.
When "Unda" is a type of car and "Honda" is a way to get by a bridge.
When you carry Carbolic soap to the beach.
When you wear "panty" under your swimsuit.
When you roll up in the sand just after getting out of the water.
When you eat too much you feel "Clyded"
Your suitcase stinks form the combination of roast breadfruit, fish and ackee.
You have yellow tint, shag carpeting, 2 crown air freshners, 2 lion kings, 2 nodding dogs and Garfield all in the back of your Lexus.
When you eat too much you feel "Clyded"!
When the last general election was called a "bashment"!
When someone is wearing a bubble jacket because "dem waan inna di lick"!

Real Jamaican Men:

Carry face towels in their back pockets.
Can stand akimbo and still look cool!
Wear "ghanzis" undershirts.
Call every Chinese person "Missa" or "Miss" Chin.

Only in Jamaica!

Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at some rum bar!
Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill an bleach dem skin wid toothpaste!
Only in Jamaica, a waiter can tell you to hold on, he's watching the football game!
Only in Jamaica, the more mess a politican mek, the more pay him get!
Only in Jamaica can a thief hold you up and ask you to walk with more money next time!
Only in Jamaica, SUV can't pass road test!
Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman!
Only in Jamaica, can the PJ make an overcast day into a National Holiday!
Only in Jamaica, you can report a crime-in-progress and the police tell you to stop interrupting the domino match!
Only in Jamaica, you can borrow someone else side of the road to drive on until yours get better!
Only in Jamaica you see a passenger nad driver share the same seat!
Only in Jamaica, people wear bubble jackets because "dem waan inna di lick"!

How many Jamaicans does it Take to Screw a lightbulb?

* Mek me dweet, yuh know how fi scrw in lite bulb dutty bway!
* Den nuh 60 watt unno did supposed fi buy, a weh 40 watt come fram?
* Yuh mean sey dem could'nt buy wan a de pretty blue bulb, instead a di plain white one?
* YOW! a weh so much a unni a do pan mi ladder? UNNO CUM OFF!
* Leggo di bulb star!
* Hey country gal, a wh yuh know bout bulb?
* I can scrw it quicka!
* I can screw it harder!
* People, people can we refrain from using the word "screw". Why not say "affix", and let us pray before we affix it please!
* Unno sure sy di house wire fi lite?
* Sumbadi need some Right Guard!
* Tap push mi nuh!
* Mi sey mi caan believ how much bulb cost nowadays!
* True ting missis, but as mi have me likkle kersene lamp!
* Mine unnu mash di bulb!
* Mek di JPS man dweet, as im supposed to know bout dem tings deh!
* Fus ting in di maaning lady, mi have odda tings fi do rite now!
* Pass di bulb ova yah so mek mi dweet, fi a likkle smalls as we a fren mi nah go kill yuh!
* Who have di bulb?
* Anybadi see di bulb?
* LAWD! DEM TIEF DI BULB!
* A nuh mi dweet!
* Nuh badda look pon mi lady, mi jus come yah!
* A bet yuh sey a dat tiefing boy fram dug di road!
* Beg yuh gimmi mi ladder before dem tief it to!
* Fram I was barn, I have never....
* Unno shoulda use floursent inna di fus place, no baddi could'nt pocket dat!
* Hush, nuh mine we wi mek up an buy yuh back a bulb, but it a get dark an wi haffi go a wi yard!-(whisper) Mi nuh know a wah dem a do wid bulb inna di fus place. Look how di house tan!
* Shhhh! yuh a talk too loud!

Subject: Chinese Proverbs

* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone!
* Man who run in front of car get tired, man who run behind car get exhausted!
* Man with hand in pocket fell cocky all day!
* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ!
* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bankok!
* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money!
* Man with one chopstick go hungry!
* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernail!
* Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk!
* Panties is not best thing on earth, but next to best hing on earth!
* War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left!
* Man who fight all day with wife get no piece at night!
* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it!
* Man who drive like hell bound to get there!
* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs!

Story About Sex...

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "SEX".
Now Sex has been very embarrasing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like to have a license for "Sex". He said, "I'd like to have one too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he did'nt care what "she" looked like.
Then I said, "But you don't understand, I've had sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid!

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for Sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too"!

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked whay I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my tickets.
"But you don't understand, " I said, "I had hoped to have sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I daid, "Your honor, I had sex before I was married, sex left me after that".
He said, "Me too."

Last night sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 iin the morning?"
I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

So now I'm behind bars and my case comes up on Friday.

Apt for Rent!

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.
So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, the man told the girl that he did not have any cash with him but he would have his secretary write an check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".
On teh way to the office, he regretted what he had done. Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he sent a check for $250. Withthe money he enclosed a note "Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250, for rent of your apartment. I am not sending you the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had previously been occuoied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: "Dear Dir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinetly. As for the eat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on, Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, plaes don't blame the landlord!